Akatsuki When No One's Watching
by Hyuchiha Ruki
Summary: Ever wondered how the Akatsuki acted if no one was looking and if they didn't want to be a group of thugs in the first place? Well, then here it is. T for language. R&R please. Crack One-Shot. Hinted PeinKonan.


**Please take your time reading this and leave a review on what you think of the story.**

**Note: I want to maintain the rating as T and not even reaching Mild M so, for Hidan's awful language, I'll pick three random words to replace his bad words. And the three random words are: Mustard, Sulfur and Polka.**

**Oh, and Zetsu's 'dark' side's voice is in italics.**

**I'm not going to put anything to describe who's saying what so I guess you guys will have to read carefully and interpret who said it. Thanks and I guess this is my first crack-ish fic. X)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

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"I win! I win! I win! I get the money! Lots of money! Love the money!" He leaned over and shoved all of the golden coins into his arms.

"Oh, shut up, Kakuzu, it's not like you're rich enough by stealing off the pockets of sailing _mustards_! Jashin has guided me through this game and I will win next time, you _sulfur polkas_!"

"Unh! That's the last time I play strip poker with you guys! I lost everything but my underwear, luckily. I'm practically naked, yeah."

"Hey, remember how the winner's supposed to jump off the railing? Go push Kakuzu off the plank!"

"Damn it, Kisame, shut up about it. We all know how to swim, anyway. And besides, we don't use a plank."

"Itachi's right. And besides, I thought the winner gets shot."

"What a great idea, Sasori-senpai! Oh! Oh! Can I shoot Kakuzu, senpai? Please! After all, Art is a bang! And with my gun, it'll be a hell of a bang, unh!" The blond then stood up, ready to pull the trigger at the winner.

"_Sulfur_, Deidara! Put the gun down! Stop wasting the damn bullets! Captain-sama will kill us. Hey, where the _polka _is my gun, anyway?"

"You don't use a gun, Hidan. You use that stupid-looking thing with the three blades." The plant thing said.

"It's called Jashin's scythe… Or at least that's what I think it's called. _Mustard, _Kakuzu, what the hell do you call this again?"

"The hell do I know. I think it's called a stick."

"I like pancakes!"

The whole gang of thugs stopped and stared at the kid who proclaimed that.

"Who the _polka _are you?"

"I'm Deidei-senpai's new partner, Tobi! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Damn it, why did I get the newbie, unh?"

"New partner? Then that means Deidara's not my partner anymore. Sweet."

"It doesn't, Sasori-senpai! Don't leave me!"

"Don't force me to use my Mangekyou on you idiots."

"Cool! If someone dies, I snag a free meal! _Somebody die already!_"

"Let's kill Tobi, yeah!"

"No, Deidei-senpai! Tobi's a good boy! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Will you guys shut up first? I'm counting my money! My beautiful money…"

"That's it, I'm gonna use my sharkskin sword to slice your guts off, you twits…"

"Oh yeah, Kisame? Let's see you try! _You'll be down my stomach before you even grab for that thing._"

"What the…? What the heck do you have against me, Zetsu?"

"N-Nothing! _You suck._"

"I what?! That's it! Taste the pain of my sword! Yaaagh!"

_BANG!_

Everyone stops in their tracks and finds Deidara, standing on the table, stepping on their cards with a smoking gun in hand. And Hidan was leaning on the wall, bleeding but still alive.

"_Mustard polka _of a _sulfur_, Deidara! What the hell did you do that for, you _mustard_?!"

"I couldn't take it anymore, unh! I've always wanted to do that!"

"Oh _polka_, Kakuzu! Mind stitching my arm back?"

"Dang you, I'm counting money here!"

"Everyone shut up or you'll be experiencing 48 hours of being tickled with feathers while watching Kisame in the bathroom!"

"Why me?!"

"Coz you're one of the few people here in the ship who isn't hot. It'll be two days of total suffering."

"I don't know how I can cope with these people. I guess I'll just talk to my puppets till they're back to normal, damn it."

"Can you guys keep it down? Pein can't take your blabbering anymore."

"Look who's here! It's Konan! Hey, babe, unh!"

"Can it, Deidara."

"Ooooh! Tough girl eh? –cat purr- ,yeah."

"I'm telling Pein about you…"

"No! Please! Don't tell him! He'll kill me! Kill Tobi! Not me! Kill him!"

"Deidei-senpai, no!"

"Pein! Deidara's flirting with me!"

"Nyagh! Hell no! Sasori-senpai was!"

"Huh? No way, I'm flirting with my puppet here. I think Hidan was flirting with Konan."

"You _polka sulfur mustard_! Kakuzu was!"

"I only with flirt with money. Put the blame on Itachi. He thinks he's sexy."

"I am! I'm sexier than my little brother, definitely."

"Oh my gawd! Sasuke!"

"Kisame, that was so gay of you."

"WHO WAS FLIRTING WITH KONAN?"

"Captain-sama!"

"Deidara was flirting with me, Pein. But I guess I'll just let it go for now."

"Thank gawd."

"What the heck are you morons doing here in the ship's cellar, playing strip poker?"

"Well, Captain-sama, it's like _polka _this: Deidara _sulfur _yelled in my ear and I was shouting back at _polka _him and then we decided to _mustard_ settle who shouted louder with a game of _sulfur_ strip poker. Then, everyone else decided to _sulfur _join. _Mustard _Kakuzu won the first round."

"And the second, third and fourth, Hidan! I looove the money!"

"Damn it, Kakuzu, I won the third round, unh!"

"From the looks of it, you didn't. Look at you. You're just a strip away from getting totally naked."

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Oh, quit it, Tobi, unh."

"Wait, hang on a minute, guys. _Yeah, something hit us_."

Everyone shuts up.

…

"_Why are we in this ship again? _Why are we calling Leader-sama Captain-sama? _Since when did Kisame act gayish? _And why did Deidara flirt with Konan?"

…

"I liked Sasuke since I last saw him. Did you see his abs? I wanted to take my sword out and scratch the little bulks!"

"Gross. Is that the only reason why you go with me when I go to confront my brother again and again?"

"No. I go with you because you look like him."

"Nyagh! Get me another partner, quick!"

"I flirted with Konan for no particular reason, unh."

"…Deidei-senpai's a boy?!"

"Tobi, you dunce, you thought I was a chick?"

"Yup Di Doo."

"Unh."

"And you eight thugs of Akatsuki have been calling me Captain-sama coz we're on this dumb ship."

"Well, why are we on this _mustard _ship? Jashin has not willed this!"

"I dunno. I just watched _Pirates of the Caribbean _last night and I guess I wanted to try out a pirate's life for a day."

"You know what's cooler than pirates, Leader-sama? _Damn, pirates aren't cool_."

"I didn't ask you but… what?"

"MIB."

"… Not bad."

"Let's change the pirates theme to Men In Black?"

"Sure."

"Alright, let's get the hell out of here, men. Konan, hit the lights. Save electricity."

"Yes, Pein."

_Click._

"Boo!"

"Damn it, Tobi, shut up! Unh."

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**I'm a little hyper. You guys liked it?**

**It's too retarded for my tastes but I post it anyway.**

**Reviews are welcome, appreciated, encourage and very much wanted. I hope you guys thought it was funny, though. **

**Ta tah.**


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